Hello readers! This week I thought I’d try something different with my blog. I wanted to share my experience of a relationship I had with a closet-case (a person that is not out with their sexuality). This story means a lot to me not only because of the person I shared it with but also the things I learned about myself from it. Hope you enjoy!
I once dated a guy who was in the closet. We had known each other for a number of years before he came out with, “I can’t stop thinking about you.” Until that moment those words were only a daydream to me. All through High School I fantasized our time together reading Sci-Fi books, making out in the backseat of his car, having sex in the middle of the day. At last he was telling me that this could all come true.
The next day I greeted him at my front door with a kiss. His lips were like two soft plums that I crushed between my teeth. When I released him I said, “The house is empty.” He smiled while beginning to push me towards the bedroom. I wanted so much to ask him about the realization of his feelings. Ever since he allowed me to read his short stories I had known I liked him. He was this creative beacon that had so much to say but never underestimated reading. So I pulled him all the way to my bed, laid him down, and unzipped his pants.
He was bigger than I imagined. In the weeks to come I learned that he was actually more than just a writer. Every night around eleven o’clock when my parents went to sleep I snuck out to meet him. We met on the back porch of an abandoned house where no one could find us. Our bodies sat on the edge of a hollow pool talking about our dreams which were to work in the comic book industry or making hit records. I didn’t play any instruments unlike him who had a drum set, keyboard, and three guitars. When he first told me this all I wanted was to kiss him for being so talented. So I asked him if I could come over to his house some time. In all the years we had known each other I had never visited.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” He said. I felt like he had thrown a sledgehammer into my head. I didn’t understand why he could share the most intimate parts of him but not his house.
“Why not?” I said. The only response I got was that of the night bugs. Their song wasn’t soothing so much as listening to a fork scrape across a chalkboard. I wanted to cover my ears but what if he responded. I needed to know his reason.
“I just don’t think it’s a good idea. Maybe one day when no one is home I can have you over.” He said. It was my turn to be silent but I wasn’t thinking of something to say. I touched my cheek which was hot but not because of the humidity. I felt ashamed of myself for thinking that any of my daydreams could come true. How could they when our time together had to spent in privacy. I’d never be able to go for coffee with him or hold his hand on a dinner date, because I wasn’t allowed.
“Okay.” I said. The pool might have been empty of water but my eyes were overflowing. It had been a mistake to meet him here tonight. I shouldn’t have been sneaking out in the first place. There should have never been a kiss! “I’m going home.” I said, getting up to leave.
“Don’t go.” He said, grabbing my hand. I pulled it away but when I did he came up with it. We stood face to face and suddenly kissing. I buried my nose into his neck so that I could get high off his body scent. I couldn’t leave him alone now.
We both crowded the ground with our bodies before finishing together. I had my lips on his when all of a sudden he said the word, “Baby”. This might not have been the kind of relationship I always fantasized. It certainly wasn’t the one I would go running home to tell my mom about but it was indeed a relationship.
Out from the back of the house he held my hand, carrying it over the tall overgrown lawn grass. Nearby both our cars were waiting. The night was ending and I didn’t know where we stood with one another.
“Come over. You can sneak through my window.” He said. I nodded. This could be fun and it was kind of romantic to think about.
“See you soon.” I said before kissing him and then leaving.